The Sunday Series: Sunday November 1, 2015

The Sunday Series

Sunday November 1, 2015

Sunday.  Dumb-day.  No-day.   All-day just thinking how boring Sunday is.  The relaxation of a whole population is perhaps the most negative aspect on what many consider to be the first day of the week.  To greet the new week in such a fashion, is like running full-force against a brick wall.   The only saving grace for me, is that the Downtown Library is open from 1 PM to 5 PM. At least in those four hours, there is a sense of bliss compared to the agony of the other 20 hours that exist on a Sunday.  I’m always shocked when I see the importance of “nothing” on our culture.   The blankness of the day, and I guess the fact that we don’t even get mail delivered on Sunday is a blessing to some.  A day without getting a bill.  Then again, I do see postal trucks around town delivering more likely Amazon “Advantage” purchases.   To be a consumer on a day off is like the work itself.

So boring, even dogs take a day off, and force their owners to walk them around the house.   I wonder if it’s the dog or the owner that makes the decisions in the household.  I suspect that a dog has a seductive power over the human, and therefore a master/slave relationship is at work.  From my window I see a pretty girl walking by with her dog, and I think “lucky pup.” As for me, I’m drinking the last bottle of Trader Joe’s “Charles Shaw” in the house, and wondering what happened to my finances.  Where did my world go.  “Do you remember Walter?” I don’t think he does, or his senile brain is thinking of memories that are made-up, and sadly, I’m not part of the big picture in his life. 

It is a day after Halloween.  I dressed up in a costume on one will ever figure out who it is.  Me.  The truth is, I have always worn a halloween costume, but no one has paid that much attention to it.  When I close my eyes, I have always taken on the role as the murderer.   It is the only profession where I felt suitable to be in.   In my private notebook, I have kept a list of people who I wanted to do away with.    In alphabetical order by last name.  Men and women, but oddly enough, more men are listed in my list of people of the soon-to-be-past.   I don’t know why I’m so gender-orientated.  I have heard from others, that they think of me as a homosexual.   I do admire Ronnie Kray, but who wouldn’t, with his good taste in glass eye-wear.  

As I sit here, getting slowly more drunk, I think of the opportunities I turned down, either due to fear of change, or the fear of not getting back from where I came from.  My whole world is really here, sitting by the round dining table, marking time, by doing nothing except drinking, if the worst, at the very least, the cheapest wine on the market.   One man’s high is another man’s hell.   I want to wish you a very happy Sunday, for those who take the day as a reflection or mediation.   As for me, I like to be medicated before I even put my foot down on the cold bedroom floor before leaving the bed.  

- Tosh Berman

October 25, 2014

October 25, 2014

I was wandering around Iidabashi in Tokyo when I came upon a small movie theater.  They were showing “La Roue, ” which is a French silent film made in 1923.  It appears that they only show silent films in this theater, and the auditorium fits only six or seven people. I was the sole customer there.  You can hear the projector behind you, and as for sound, the projectionist actually hums various melodies through an ancient sound system in the theater.   The film is very long.  I lost count, but I think it lasted over nine hours, and I went there in the afternoon, and came out in the very late evening.  Yet, I couldn’t remove myself from my seat. I was struck by how odd it was to see this film here in Iidabashi, off a popular street, Kagurazaka-dori, that seems to lead to a Shinto shrine.

As I sat there, and losing track of time (and space) I was amazed with myself in that I could make a narrative out of this picture. The titles were all in French, a language that I don’t speak or read, and even that was odd since I was in Tokyo.   I was drawn here, due that it started to rain, and I wasn’t wearing proper clothing.  So for about ¥1000, I thought it was worth it, just to avoid the weather.  What appeared in front of my eyes changed my life forever.

It wasn’t the film itself, but more of my mental state, which to be honest, is not so good.  I’m on a track that is losing ground quickly. In fact, I even considered suicide.   But I haven’t the foggiest idea how one does that.  That point when you want to do it, yet I lack the proper skills in completing such a drastic act.  I even wrote a suicide note, and after finished writing it, I re-read it, and it made me laugh hysterically.  So, even that, I don’t really have the talent for the ‘death’ angle.   Iidabashi is a great neighborhood to wander, due to the shops and restaurants.   So many happy people here, maybe due that it’s Halloween and some are dressed in their favorite manga character.  My costume and role is someone in misery, but no one could tell my outfit whatsoever.  So yes, going into a movie theater with only that in my thoughts, send me to a world not of my making, but almost like Buster Keaton in “Sherlock Junior” I’m finding myself in the oddest landscapes, here in Tokyo.

After exiting the movie theater, I needed some food.  But no place was open. It was around 3 in the morning.  The subways and the JR train was closed down, so I walked towards the canal that runs through the area.  It is as at that point I thought I could throw myself into the water. I don’t swim, so I thought the combination of my lack of skills and nature itself will be perfectly compatible with each other.  Of course, I walked among the canal by practically falling down the hill to get there.   My initial thought, do I need stones to fill my pockets so I would be dragged down to the bottom of the canal?  I took my shoes off, and dipped my big toe in the water. It was cold!   Then I had the thought in my head of having my clothes wet, and how uncomfortable that would be as I’m drowning in the canal.  So I took my clothes off, and since I was in Tokyo, I decided to fold the clothing up very neatly.   There were no rocks around, just pavement.  Nevertheless I walked up to the canal and dived in. When I did that, I hit my head on the bottom, and immediately got up on my feet.  The water was just three feet.  It was cold as … I was about say hell, but that doesn’t seem appropriate for this sentence.   I got out, and put my clothes back on, and began to walk back to the movie theater.

The funny thing is I couldn’t find the theater.  It was gone! Then I started wondering if I somehow made this up in my sick mind.  More likely I couldn’t find it due to the combination of my despair and the winding streets of Iidabashi.  The amusing thing, at that very moment, I felt my life as being complete, and it didn’t matter if I killed myself or not.  What mattered to me is to find the film “La Roue” and somehow enter that world again.  But one can never go back home or their dream state.  We live only once, and the art of living is capturing that moment for one to come back to.   I did that, and now I can go on.