Tosh's Journal - September 6

TOSH'S JOURNAL

September 6

The one film role that I wish I did, but didn't, for the apparent reason, is to play Count Orlok in the film "Nosferatu." I identify with the character because he's living death or known as "The Bird of Death." I live in a large home that was slowly decaying due to the lack of money and resources on my part. For instance, if I'm sleeping on my back, and at a certain angle, I can see the stars right above me in my bedroom. Luckily there's a drought in California, or I would be in terrible trouble. I tend to have sleepless nights, so I often wander from one room to another. Sometimes with a purpose, but mostly not. I own a DVD copy of "Nosferatu," and I tend to play it around 3:00 in the morning. Being half-asleep and permanently disturbed, I find a certain amount of peace watching this film.

To make savings on electricity and power, I rarely use any lighting in the house, except for the TV, and even that, I only allow so many hours to watch the set. I don't have cable, so what I watch on the TV is mostly my DVD collection. Rice, vegetable stock for soup, and beans are pretty much my diet these days. Thank God that there is a local library in my neighborhood, so I can, in a sense, read books for free. To remove myself from all the abstractions in the world sets me free to use my imagination. I often try to imitate the actor Max Schreck who played Count Orlok, to attempt to ground myself in a world that is shifting away from me. It has been noted that he lived in "a remote and incorporeal world" and that he spent time walking in the forest.

I don't have any paintings or images on the wall. Nor do I have mirrors. I tend to forget what I look like, and I sort of like being in a situation where I can never describe myself to anyone. My only desire is to look like Count Oriok, and therefore why do I need a mirror?

Before dawn hits the sky, I like to wander around my spacious backyard, which is so full of trees and bushes. I want to lie on the dirt and look upwards towards the fading stars, and the reflection of nearby neon lighting of Glendale, and imagining myself coming from this dirt, yet being part of the sky. As I get older, I try to imagine what death feels like. I don't see it being a painful experience, but neither is it an abstract plane. I sometimes think that I have died, and I'm just floating around the residence with not a purpose or plan. - Tosh Berman

The Sunday Series: Sunday September 6, 2015 (Izu Oshima, Tokyo, Japan)

The Sunday Series:

Sunday September 6, 2015

Izu Ōshima, Tokyo, Japan

“If I live, I live, if I die, I’ll die.” There is very little here, except the ocean, which surrounds this island, and the mountains.  All structures, and shops are close to the water, as if it has second thoughts being in the jungle like growth of nature.  Once you’re on the island, you are here forever.  Even if you leave, the insect bites seems to stay with you for a long time.  I have rashes on top of other rashes, and for sure, me being here, must have shortened my life by at least minutes if not longer.   If I die on this island, I would haunt it forever.  I don’t believe death is the end, but really a continuation of one’s hell.   Once you throw the dice against the wall, and your numbers don’t come up - you’re fucked, and you’re fucked for life. 

I came to this island because I needed to test myself in the sense of I would choose life over death.  To me, it is basically the same.  The fact it is in the middle of summer, which means the weather is not only hot 24 hours a day, but also humid, where one’s sweat seems to attract every insect in existence on this island.  The most common insect I have here is an overlarge spider.  When you walk down one of the paths or even the street that circles around the island, which is a two-lane road, one often walks into a giant spider web.  If I take a ten minute walk anywhere, I find my hair has cobwebs and an occasional living creature of some sort.  The other creature I see here, and I see a lot of, is cats.  Most, if not all, are wild.   They don’t look approachable, but still they are beautiful creatures.  I wasn’t sure if it was due to my exhaustion from the heat, but I could have sworn I saw a cat as big as a large dog.  It was an orange kitty, and looked totally normal, except it was huge.  I immediately walked the other direction, because for sure, I felt the animal would have approached and ate me.  I think it would go for the eyes first and then the hair of my body.  I then imagined that the cat would drag me into the bushes and eat the rest of my body. 

I did see an odd sight, when walking down a dark road, there were two crows in the street, picking on something.  As I slowly approached these flying rats, I can see they were eating a dead squirrel.  Which amazingly enough, I never see these critters on trees or anywhere else.   Only once, and this squirrel is quite dead, yet still, a meal for the birds.   I even saw a deer with horns, but he or she pretended to hide from me in a bush.  The deer never lost sight of me as I slowly walked down the street.   As a human, I don’t feel that I should be on this island whatsoever.  It belongs to creatures and nature.   I often felt this way when I walk around the dog park in Silver Lake.  Humans take their dogs here, but it seems like a concentration camp to me.  There used to be grass, but now it is nothing but dirt and dogshit.   There is something depressing to me when I see humans playing with their pets - it reminds me of master and servant.  One can’t escape the horror of being human, and being part of the human system where one looks for love wherever they can find it.  Even for a dog that clearly is with you because one feeds it.   The beast must conform to the human’s point-of-view of what an animal is - in other words, their pet or animal must reflect the owner’s ego.   Here on the island, beasts (cats) run free and I find it beautiful, because here they are - as they are meant to be.  Not a human’s concept of a beast, but truly a beast on their own terms.  

I spend my time writing, mostly at the abandoned elementary school.  My wife and I set up a portable studio within the space, which is jammed full of images of students and teachers who are no longer working there, and more likely no longer alive.   Even then, nature is taking over the room.  Insects roam freely from one body to the next, and when I take my clothes off to take my daily cold shower, I look like a map, not made by human intelligence, but from an insects point-of-view.   So if I do die here, I will become part of the natural world - food for the cats, crows, and a desert for the insects.

- Tosh Berman, Tokyo, Japan
Images by Lun*na Menoh

September 6, 2014

September 6, 2014

The one film role that I wish I did, but didn’t, for the obvious reason, is to play Count Orlok in the film “Nosferatu.” I identify with the character because he’s living death or known as “The Bird of Death.” I live in a large home that was slowly decaying due to the lack of money and resources on my part.  For instance, if I’m sleeping on my back, and at a certain angle, I can see the stars right above me in my bedroom.  Luckily there’s a drought in California, or I would be in terrible trouble. I tend to have sleepless nights, so I often wander from one room to another.  Sometimes with a purpose, but mostly not.  I own a DVD copy of “Nosferatu” and I tend to play it around 3:00 in the morning.  Being half-asleep, and permanently disturbed, I find a certain amount of peace watching this film.

To make savings on electricity and power, I rarely use any lighting in the house, except for the TV, and even that, I only allow so many hours to watch the set. I don’t have cable, so what I watch on the set is mostly my DVD collection.  Rice, vegetable stock for soup, and beans are pretty much my diet these days.  Thank God that there is a local library in my neighborhood, so I can in a sense read books for free.  To remove myself from all the abstractions in the world sets me free to use my imagination.  I often try to imitate the actor Max Schreck who played Count Orlok, for the purpose of attempting to ground myself in a world that is shifting away from me.  It has been noted that he lived in “a remote and incorporeal world” and that he spent time walking in the forest.

I don’t have any paintings or images on the wall. Nor do I have mirrors.  I have a tendency to forget what I look like, and I sort of like being in a situation where I can never describe myself to anyone.  My only desire is to look like Count Oriok, and therefore why do I need a mirror?

Before dawn hits the sky, I like to wander around my spacious backyard, which is so full of trees and bushes. I like to lie on the dirt and look upwards towards the fading stars, and the reflection of nearby neon lighting of Glendale, and imagining myself coming from this dirt, yet being part of the sky.  As I get older, I try to imagine what death feels like.  I don’t see it being a painful experience, but neither is it an abstract plane. I sometimes feel that I have died, and I’m just floating around the residence with not a purpose or plan.