June 18, 2014

June 18, 2014

Looking back on my life, I obviously wasted a lot of time.  But on the other hand I had a sense of immense enjoyment as well.  Regret is knowing something and ignoring that urge. I on the other hand never ignored an urge on my part.  For instance, recalling that now, I should have never worked in the workforce and become just another drone in the world of financially surviving.  There is no crime being poor, but truly there is something indecent about not doing what you want to do.  But even then, I enjoyed my life greatly.  The one thing that impressed me as a child was watching “Have Gun Will Travel,” for whom the main character Paladin, was a gentleman, a scholar, a connoisseur of fine wine, women, and living the life in wild west era San Francisco.  But like in real life, the dualities that we are willing to live in, Paladin makes his money by being a hired gun. Although this is a television show, I find it implications in real life fascinating.

Ted Kaczynski is an interesting figure as well, because on one hand he is a murderer, yet he has an interesting philosophy with respect how one lives in a world where nature is slowly or quickly in some cases are murdered by today’s world.  By what we see or hear of Kaczynski, he was or is a remarkable fellow.  Accepted to Harvard when he was only 16, and graduated from that school when he was 20.  Eventually he went to University of Michigan where he got his PhD in mathematics.   His speciality was a branch of complex analysis known as geometric function theory.  Also noted by his professors at the time, that Kaczynski’s thesis “Boundary Functions” was so advanced, that only “maybe 10 or 12 men in the country understood or appreciate it.” In 1967, Kaczynski became an assistant professor at the University of California, Berkeley where he taught courses in geometry and calculus.  He was the youngest professor ever hired by the University.  But alas, he wasn’t a competent teacher.  Students stated that he was often stuttering and mumbling during class lectures, and were remote from his students.  Without providing a reason to his superiors, he left to wander in the hills outside of Lincoln, Montana.  He was living in a cabin that had no running water or electricity.  Still, it was a good location to make a bomb or two in complete privacy.

If I had to opt for Paladin and Kaczynski, I would take the third choice, Raymond Radiguet, who was a novelist and poet and a very dear friend to Jean Cocteau.  Like Kaczynski, Radiguet was quite young. In fact, he died of typhoid fever when he was only 20 years old. But before that he wrote two remarkable novels “The Devil in the Flesh” and “The Count’s Ball.” As I am just about 60, I am surprised that I didn’t write a book decades ago.  Both the lives of Paladin and Kaczynski I sort of can admire, but to live in the shoes of Radiguet, even though his life only lasted a matter of seconds, compared to the other two, his life was a dream.  Being supported by the great Cocteau, although one can wonder how much that support was for Radiguet’s talent as a writer or as a gentleman of certain pleasures.

Death at an early age puts a frame around one’s talent and personality.  It is just like adding the period after Radiguet.  Paladin didn’t exist, but yet his “existence” did, and therefore never disappointed me. The life of Kaczynski could have been perfect as well, but he made choices that I’m not happy with.  Regardless of the fact that his message is quite clear, his actions were not. Regardless of the fact that he’s still alive, it is like he’s living a death behind bars. He’s a memory that eventually will be a footnote in true crime history.  One doesn’t read emotion in his character, till one realizes that he fell under the charm of a sentiment, that he will never successfully spread, due to his heartless sense of justice.  Rage can be a beneficial tool, but it is best to use it for the pen on the paper.

The one true perfect moment for me is when I watched The Ed Sullivan show after “Have Gun Will Travel” and realizing what will come next would for at least a moment or two, brought a huge group of people together by a few Yeah, Yeah’s - and the world of black and white turned into a beautiful technicolor point of view of the planet. But alas, like a lot of dreams it turned sour.  For me, I have to live in a life projected by a light beam, because I can't deal with the disappointments that surround one's life.  Yet, with hindsight, one can cherry pick the highs and can leave the lows in the trash bin that is history.