June 4, 2014

June 4, 2014

I woke up in near panic thinking today is on this day that where people will figure I’m just a fraud.   I have always thought that, but I pretty much hid that view point from my fellow (and non-fellow) citizens.  Writing is very much of a performance. Some use the stage or to be discovered in front of a camera and a set.  I, on the other hand, need a pen and paper to explore worlds that I really know nothing about.  The readers out there who read my daily posts may feel that I’m smart, a good writer even, but the truth is I’m a total failure.  I’m not being down on myself, but being honest as much as possible in front of friends, neighbors, and the general public that is currently known as Facebook.  What the hell was I thinking of when I told Jarett Kobek and William E. Jones that I would participate in their event at the Echo Park Film Center?

I have a tendency to say “yes” to invitations, including dinner, due that I’m fearful of being forgotten or not remembered in my lifetime.  Also the thought of missing a free dinner sometimes keeps me awake at night, but alas, as far as I know, there is no dinner invites after the event tonight.  More likely I should get something to eat before going to the film center.  Nevertheless I must have been insane to say yes, due to the fact that Jarrett and William are two brilliant writers and thinkers, and without a doubt it will take only moments when they realize that I’m a total fraud.  I will be talking to the two artistic figures in front of an audience, mostly there because they’re fans of William and Jarett’s books. Which, I say, I’m a fan as well.  Shouldn’t I be sitting in the audience?  Now, it is too late because I said yes and I just have to roll with the punches tonight, which if I’m lucky enough, would not mean being kicked out of the building, and the neighborhood of Echo Park.

Speaking of the Echo Park Film Center, it is run by a gentleman named Paolo Davanzo, who by coincidence was in Anna Biller’s masterpiece film “Viva.” Paolo was exceptional in the role of “Elmer” a hippie free love naked man who almost rapes “Viva” played with incredible insight by Anna Biller herself.  Surely he will know that I’m a fraud within seconds of yours truly entering his building.  At the moment, I’m dreading the entire day in front of me.  For most, the June Fourth Incident is the Tiananmen Square Massacre, but to me it will surely be my event tonight.  My stomach is already in knots, and I'm thinking of an exit plan, but nothing is clear in my head.

I feel I need to re-read the three books by Jarrett, especially “BTW” and “Atta” because they’re brilliant works, and I need to drop a quote of some sort during our discussion on stage tonight regarding the reading, but I don’t know if I can, due to my nervousness in front of an audience.  When others are chatting, I know I am going to be thinking what others are thinking of me at that moment.  I’m not even sure if they care, I mean, I even had a haircut yesterday, just for this event.  My wife will be there, and surely after 25 years of marriage she must know that there is something wrong with me.  They say “love is blind,” and I’m so grateful for that fact.  On the other hand the audience tonight may not know me, which is good in my favor, but if they do know… well, surely they don’t love me.

William, due to the fact that he’s a curator, visual artist, filmmaker & video maker, will surely know something is wrong tonight, and it is the guy with the initials TB.  In this case, the disease fits the man to a “T.” Both Bill and Jarett did a whole book on having a conversation with a prominent writer or thinker.  For instance, Bill has a new book out that is a book length chat with the filmmaker Thom Andersen.  The title says it all: “Thom Andersen/WIlliam E. Jones.” It doesn’t even need a proper title - because the book says it all.  Jarett also did a book length talk with the great thinker and writer Iain Sinclair called “Walking is a Radical Act.” Now here lies the problem, Thom Andersen, William E. Jones, Jarett Kobek, Iain Siinclair, and Tosh Berman.   The wrong music note is my very name!

Writing is a very solitude affair, and yet, one hopes that it will reach a public of some sort.  The thing is I am very untalented and not that smart as a thinker.  I do have a certain amount of charm, and there is a tad of a Tom Ripley in my soul, but beyond that I’m just a mirror that people glaze at and hopefully the reflection that comes back at them is OK.   Time will tell.