August 15, 2014

August 15, 2014

I love power.  But it is as an artist that I love it.  I love it as a musician loves his violin, to draw out its sounds and chords and harmonies.  The illusions in life are plentiful.  Because when you get down to it, a throne is only a bench covered with velvet.  I rather trust my vision, because I find it that imagination rules the world.   As an artist, I find one must change one’s tactics every ten years if one wishes to maintain one’s superiority.   I’m surrounded by fear, ever since I was a little boy.  I always felt that my world was going out-of-control, and I often felt like a tiny paper boat in a raging storm in the Pacific ocean.  To control one’s fortunes I realized that the winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.  In my social circle, I don’t fear the people who disagree with me, but those who disagree, and are too cowardly to let you know.  Due to that, I have to take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, I must stop thinking and go in.

For many years I have been addicted to various types of alcohol, but I realized even that was a prop of sorts, to separate me from my thoughts and actions regarding the act of sex.  I have very little interest in anything except for the sexual act between a man and a woman.  Some years ago, I was a commercial photographer, and I specialize in color images.  I just had the ‘touch’ to make the reds “redder” and the blues “deep.” I can reproduce a blue sky as if it was an endless ocean.  One can smell the moisture off my photographs, but alas, I’m also focused on my female models.  I don’t do fashion photography but more of architectural or product placement type of images, but I always add a female to the composition.   Without a doubt, every female that I have used in my work, I wanted to (and please excuse my language) fuck.  But even that I realize it is not really about the sex act, but more of an aesthetic than anything else.  I like being aroused by the woman.  Especially when I place her in such a manner in my photographs.  I like the idea that I’m selling a product, and it does go on billboards, magazine ads, and so forth, but what I’m really focusing on is the woman.  If you look on the surface, it reads the product, but my main interest is the woman holding or using the product.

Around this time, I lived my life in a precarious situation.  Any money that I got from my work, I would spend it all as quickly as possible.  Buying drinks at the most expensive bars was one of my favorite activities at the time.   I never was good at picking up women in a bar because I feel that wasn’t an area of strength on my part.  Instead I would relay on another male friend, who is trying to chat up a woman or two.  Usually I frown at the thought of their techniques, but as one says “never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” Often they tried to use me, because I was a commercial photographer, and sort of hinted to the women that I perhaps can give them a job or do a photo shoot for them.  Such small minds with big dicks!

They disgust me, because they don’t acknowledge the moment of appreciation.  Their objectivity is to get the woman in bed, which for me is not the essential part of the seduction.  What I like is to control the emotional landscape through my photographs.  I never did anything obviously erotic, but eros is plenty in my commercial work. As a photographer, I’m a dealer in hope.  So when I match the product with the appropriate face, or body, a connection is made between the product and the female.  Whatever she was holding or drinking/eating becomes a sexual fixation for me.  Many find this impossible, but that is only a word to be found in the dictionary of fools.

It has been noted that all my models look like Sylvie Vartan.  To be honest, there is some truth to that, but I think it is mostly that I like strong blondes, because they have a sense of power that is good for the product on hand, but also it triggers my imagination in the sense that I feel like I’m making love to them, not only due to their beauty, but also to their strength.   No wonder I was exhausted after a shoot!   I now spend my time looking for work here and there, but alas, my sense of pleasure leads me to areas where currency isn’t used.  So nowadays, I just live on my wit and sense of shame.