August 20, 2014

August 20, 2014

Sadness.  Sadness all around me.  No, no that is not quite true.  It is me that is sad. I think the rest of the world is doing OK.  For the past five years, I have been trying to write my memoir, but the truth is my life is totally lived in as an interior world.  I don’t have any friends, and the only person I need to speak to on a regular basis is Mary my post office delivery girl.   I mostly purchase things from the Internet, so I don’t go out that much.  Due to the restrictions of writing words on a blank screen, I decided to go on YouTube and give little or brief accounts of my life over the years.   Each episode is five-to-ten minutes long, and I just try to focus each program on a specific incident or time.  But mostly it is very impressionistic view of the world.  Dates and definite time are not that interesting to me, due that I have a hard time remembering them.  I often see faces while I take my walk in the neighborhood, but I can’t recall where I have seen them or if I even know them.  When I walk, I dream, and when I dream, I do my YouTube programming.

I don’t have that much money left, due to the fact that I don’t work for a living. I live to document myself, because I think it's important to be able to communicate with someone, and hopefully these people are watching my show.   I often skip meals so I can pay for my internet service.  I do go to the library time-to-time, but I find the internet connection at the library, at its very best, sort of works on a B- grade, and I need to make sure I get full coverage, because I don’t do anything else except remain online and organize my thoughts before I shoot myself on YouTube.

For awhile now, I have this feeling that I’m living with others, that can’t be seen or heard.  Yet, I feel their presence in a profound manner.  It could be a reflection off a mirror or even from my computer screen, where I see “something” behind me.  I never know what it is, but I just feel its presence.  Ever since I was a child I have experienced what is currently called “night terrors.” As I try to fall asleep, and right before I go under, I have this vision that startles me, and I wake up either about to scream, or I’m in a sweat.  I sort of recall a face - but not a human’s face.  It took me years, but I finally drew the image of what I see (enclosed here), and it is a figure that looks like a giant reptile body, but clearly has legs and arms.  Also maybe a pair of wings as well, but not sure if they work or not.  I never saw this figure fly or anything like that.  I mostly remember seeing the face close up, because that is what startles me.  I can at times feel the breath on my face.  I think what it looks like is a roundish shaped head with tentacles either coming from its jawline or maybe even mouth.  It took repeated times of this occurring before I could even remember details like that.

So I feel emotionally alone, but I know that this is not the case. Whatever I see in the nighttime, or what enters into my dreams -or to be more exact, the bridge between the awaken and the sleeping world, I know I just have to accept things as they are, and not what I want it to be.  The sad thing is when I die, I will only have the YouTube footage, but one wonders if there will be a YouTube in the near future.  Paper and pen have been preserved, but will the digital images of me be on this planet for long?   And when I do pass into the night for good, will the horrible face I see be by consistent companion?