Tosh's Journal : December 1 (Nero Wolfe)

Tosh's Journal - December 1

Isolation is the perfect form of a landscape when you have to think for a living. I’m the sort of chap who people feel comfortable with when they are in trouble or need of any advice. I’m no fool, so I charge people for my services. The catch is, if my information doesn’t work, they don’t have to pay me anything. In today’s commerce, you must have the edge over the competition. Not only that, I’m 100% sure my advice will work. From romantic problems to financial troubles - I master all. Also, if you come to me with a problem, and I can’t solve it, I will tell you directly to your face or through e-mail. I will say, “you’re fucked.”



If you come to me for advice, and I accept you as a client, I pretty much study your financial situation.  For instance, if the information I give you brings great monetary awards, I expect 40% of the amount you will get due to my expertise. If it is something easy for me and not time-consuming, I could charge a small fee for my troubles. If it is a question of romance or relationship, I may insist on having detailed information on the other party. If you, as a client, withhold information, either regarding your finances or an essential piece of information, I will walk away from your problem and will charge you a fee for my time.



Now hopefully, that is clear. I will not leave my home to help you. I have an assistant, Archie, who does all my leg work. If you can’t reach me for some reason, you can trust Archie is my voice as well as my stand-in appearance. Usually, the procedure means you come to my home, which is my office. You must make an appointment, and once you do, Archie or I will contact you. If you don’t hear from me, that means I ‘m either too busy or don’t care about your problem. If I do see you, I insist on a strict dress code. If you’re a male, you must wear a tie or a jacket/v-neck sweater. If you’re a female, I insist that you wear a skirt, blouse, and sensible shoes. Think of it as working in a bank office. I don’t want to hear an emotional outbreak, just the facts and a background narrative of the characters that are associated with your problem. You may want to bring your own bottled water because I will not be serving any drinks or food to you during our meeting. These are the rules. Obey them or don’t use my services.



Also, I’m not fond of small talk. So once you’re in my office, and you sit down, immediately tell me what your problem is. I will ask specific questions, and once I decide to take your case, I’ll ask specific questions about your finances. I will insist on seeing all your bank accounts. So bring in your latest bank statements as well as a receipt of your last paycheck. Once you give me all the information I need, I insist that you leave my office and home immediately. The real activity is for me to isolate myself and think about your problem. I tend to my orchids as well as experimenting in my kitchen.   Usually, I’m lost in thought for a few days. I never (unless I’m busy) take more than three to five days to give a customer his or her advice. The thing is if you choose not to take my advice, you will still have to pay for my services. You don’t have to pay anything if my information doesn’t work out, but you must take my advice and use it accordingly. I will give you precise instructions on how to solve your problem. If you fail to follow these directions, then you will be still required to pay me. Now, if that is understood, what is your problem? - Tosh Berman