About a month ago, I decided I wanted a servant. Since I now have this strict schedule of writing a story every day, and then work on my memoir, I needed someone to take care of my laundry, light housecleaning, answer my phone, prepare my morning bath, organize my papers for the day, and also prepare my bedding before I sleep at night. For instance, I have been too busy that I haven’t had a chance to get my regular scheduled haircut, and I’m looking a tad messy, especially when I wear dirty clothing. The servant should be somewhere between the age of 35 and 50. I believe that it would be best if he was asexual, because I don’t want to be involved in any manner in his private life. In fact, I request that he doesn’t have a private life. I really need someone who will focus on me, and only yours truly. Especially when I’m working on my various writing assignments.
I need the space to concentrate on the words on the page, and I think the only relationship I can have right now would be a full-time paid up servant. He will be called upon to wear a suit of some sort, and an apron when working in the kitchen. I’m a picky eater, so the butler will have to know exactly what to make, and make sure he doesn’t put his personality into the preparation of the food, or jazz up the recipe. Minimal life is the best for me, and if I can just narrow down all the outside noise into a hum, so I can work freely on my writing that would be great. He must never make “small talk” with me, and really only make a noise, when I ask him for something. He should be my shadow, and somehow know what my needs are before I verbally ask for something. He must know and understand me. Also, it’s important that he never criticizes me in public or in private.
Time-to-time, since I’m so busy with my writing, I will need him to perhaps write my normal daily column for Facebook and my blog at http://tamtambooks-tosh.blogspot.com. But of course, only with my approval, and I must take full credit for that writing. I like a certain amount of bath powder in my bathtub, and the water should be warm when I enter the tub. I don’t like to dip my toe in the water beforehand, I like to walk in, and with the full force of my weight, sit down in the powdered water. I don’t want to even think about it. The butler maybe advised to check the temperature as well as the texture of the water before I even enter the bathroom. On the subject matter of the bathroom, I also request that the butler does the flushing of the toilet. I have no interest to wait around, when writing or research is needed, to see if everything is flushed properly. Urine stains, if needed, must be cleared up seconds after I leave the bathroom.
I also need the butler to drive me to specific locations. Mostly to the library in downtown Los Angeles. He needs to take me to the corner of Fifth and Grand, and drop me off there, without being late or of course, chatty. I also demand that he comes to the library with me, and as I write in one of the cubicles, he needs to get a chair and sit behind me. If I use the library bathroom, he is to go in before me, to make sure it is properly clean, there’s enough toilet paper, and no peculiar people hanging there. If I need to get a book, he has to take my note and give it to a librarian to locate that volume.
I insist that the Butler lives in my house with me. I expect service 7/24 and will not allow illness or tardiness on the job.