May 5, 2014

May 5, 2014

People understand me so little that they do not even understand when I complain of being misunderstood.  One thing I realize is that I need to be clear about “what am I to do,” not “what I must know.”  What I do know is that what I write in my journal, much of what I have simply jotted down carelessly, would become of great importance and have a great effect; for then people would have grown reconciled to me and would be able to grant me what was, is my right.

I met a woman many years ago, that I wished to marry.  But due to my melancholy I decided this wasn’t a good idea for her or me.  I needed the space to roam with my thoughts.  I think truly I’m the most happiest when I leave my house, and at that point, I decide if I should go turn to my left or right.  I tend not to take an interest in getting to a certain place, but more interested in the journey getting there.  And ‘there’ usually becomes a forgotten goal within 20 minutes of my walk.  So being in a relationship is very much of a narrative structure where one leads to another, in a normal fashion.  But I can’t possibly follow such a narrative, because all my life I have been drawn to a world where chance takes prominent place in how and why I do things.

“How should I live?” is the first sentence that comes in mind when I wake up.  I’ve been working off and on a novel that I can’t finish, “Scorpion and Felix, ” which so far, is about three characters and their quest to uncover their origins.  I toil for at least three to four hours a day on this novel, and so far I haven’t gone beyond fifty pages of notes, and one finished paragraph.   The disappointment I feel on a consistent basis takes a lot out of me, and now considering to give up this book, and focus on writing philosophy.  While I was having my lunch at Café de la Régence, I ran into an old friend, Fred, who suggested that I should go with him to see “The Mark of Zorro, ” which is on a double-bill with “Nightmare Alley.” My original plan was to come back home after lunch to work on “Scorpion and Felix,” but realized that my impulse was to go to the movies. As I sat there with my friend in the darken theater, I pretty much paid more attention to my thoughts than watching the movie.  

As the images of “Nightmare Alley” appeared in front of me, I chose to follow my instincts and not allow myself to follow someone else’s instincts or thoughts.  The role of fate in one’s life is very important.  And the way I look at fate, I regard it as a throw of dice against a movie screen, where I will follow the numbers, if not pre-planned.  As a kid, I watched a TV show called “Sugarfoot, ” which made a huge impression on me.

The main character, Tom Brewster, is an Easterner who comes to the wild west to become a lawyer.  Due that he doesn’t have an ounce of cowboys skills he is called by the local population “Sugarfoot.” In each episode he uses his intelligence against those who carry guns, and in his mild manner, wins the day.  I was attracted to the actor who played Tom, due to his beauty, but also the fact that he was so non-wild west looking. If somehow I can bring that to the art of writing, I will be ahead of the game.

When I watch my current favorite TV show, “Mad Men,” I’m struck speechless watching Pete committing the same mistakes, due to a lack of vision, that he clearly ignores within himself, but I get the feeling he’s not following his instincts, but is totally part of his world on Madison Avenue, and therefore ’stuck’ in the role of his own making.  So yes, one can wonder, once I leave the house, if I will turn left, right, or go straight ahead.