February 18, 2017 (Tosh's Diary)
I must have my revenge. I can see now, that I'm in Tokyo, that the moment has risen for me to strike. I have missed the opportunity on a continuous basis for my entire life. I'm having a series of drinks in Harajuku bar, all by myself. I'm not drunk. In actuality, I'm quite sober. The situation is, every February 18, I see appearances of my late father. I'm used to seeing him in Los Angeles, but it's odd that this spirit has followed me to Tokyo. I was walking in Shinjuku last night, and I noticed this foreigner in a large hat and fur coat following me. I ducked into a Disk Union shop in hopes of avoiding this figure. I was going over the Beatles Japanese pressings of various Sgt Pepper covers when I looked up and saw the foreign fellow. It was my father. In these type of situations, I pretend not to notice him. When I looked up again, he was gone.
I have accepted that I had these visions and learned to live with them. Still, the big difference is that I'm in a foreign country - a different culture, and still, there is my father in front of me. What bothers me the most is that I feel that he's giving me a message of some sort. Throughout my life, I ignored any signs of bitterness on my part. The truth is, I'm very bitter. I live my life as if it's daytime. Still, the night has pretty much taken over my soul.
I'm a fiction writer, and I take daily life as a source for my work. It's the foundation where my ideas come from. The most traumatic thing that ever happened was my dad's murder. In fact, I guess it was an accident, but I never accepted it as just an accident. Because the way the case came out, it clearly is about a man avoiding his crime, and where he is now, or if even he's alive is like a mist that surrounds me on a daily basis whenever I allow my mind to wander without any censorship or constrained in any fashion.
I walk around Tokyo because it clears my head. I'm not really a tourist, but more of a person who puts a jacket on, and leaves the front entrance of a building, without a thought which direction to go. If the winter wind is going a direction, I just follow that force without a thought in my head. Stephen Bannon has been pretty much in my brain. It was last night that I realize he looks like the guy who killed my father in a drunken so-called car accident. Much younger then, but now he has the face of a man who has enjoyed his poison for many years. It's odd today that I saw two weddings. One Japanese style and the other western. It seemed like theater. I can never penetrate the difference between what I consider to be something real or a staged performance. I wander now, like forever.
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