Tosh's Journal: September 18 (Greta Garbo)

TOSH’S JOURNAL
September 18

“I never said, ‘I want to be alone. ‘I only said ‘I want to be let alone! ‘There is all the difference.” One should be able to choose who you want to be with, or who you want to work with. This is my desire. This is my right. I was from Sweden and came to America to become part of the motion picture business. Well, I ended up in the industry, and I didn’t like it — not one bit. To improve my English dictation, I studied tapes made by Lord Haw-Haw, a British citizen who made broadcasts for the Nazis during the war. He at times used an upper-class British accent, while making statements over the radio, and I found it hypnotic. I try to imagine that it’s P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves whispering in my ear, but what he said sounded so beautiful, but the ugliness of the content was something I had to move aside. “The people of England will curse themselves for having preferred ruin from Churchill to peace from Hitler.” I played it over and over again, till I got his accent just entirely correct. I didn’t do this for a film role but to be part of a new world, and with that, I needed a new identity. By no means was I erasing my other personality, because I wanted to have the ability to switch roles or positions in life.

I’m going to do one more job in the film business, and then I’m going to spend the rest of my life drifting. As I approached my 60th birthday, “in a few days, it will be the anniversary of the sorrow that never leaves me, that will never leave me for the rest of my life.” One can mark success in different ways, and for me, it is to be alone with my heart and some close friends. I always believed that there were two sides to me. One being a recluse and the other, a social person. But I cannot be treated like a performing monkey anymore. I resent my directors telling me to smile, not a smile, say my lines, not to say my lines, and so forth. I don’t feel like I have a strong sense of self, and therefore acting is a way of communicating with the public or the individual. People think I’m beautiful, but what does that exactly mean?

My last role will be playing twins that are conjoined by the head, to be exact by the eye. I’m playing both roles, so it will be tricky for me to convey two separate identities, yet one body. To be honest, the script is not that great, but I think it will be an exciting role, or two roles (they should pay me twice!) and then say goodbye to my so-called public life. What I have to imagine is having a part of me that is always there. What I have done is practise my lines in front of the mirror and pretending that the image is another character or my twin sister. For one of the sisters, I chose the Lord Haw-Haw accent (“Jairmany calling, Jairmany calling”) but for the other sister, who is a country singer - I try to go for a soft southern accent. It is sometimes tricky because I feel like I’m separating my soul in doing this part.

“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself when you tell them.” So how does one sister keep her distance from the other, when physically they are together for always. One of the sisters is non-disabled, but the other one has spine bifid, which causes a height difference. So one has to carry the other around, but she made a bar stool, because it is the exact height, and just added wheels to the bottom of the stool. The able-body sister serves as the manager as well as holding the microphone when the other sings. The script is loosely based on a real set of twins, but of course, this being a film, many things are made-up. Once I finish that film, I will focus on nothing. I won’t disappear, but I will decline to participate in the film world, or any other world that is out there. It will just be me, and the private world of the other. I walk alone, but there is always another angel inside me that guides me through the murky waters that are known as life.

February 14, 2014

February 14, 2014

My Dad and I were invited by Dean Stockwell to the set for the TV show “Combat!, ” which at that time was a show about World War 2 troops in Europe that I was obsessed with.  My memory is that we went to the MGM lot in Culver City where they filmed the series.  I was nervous because I was going to meet not only Roddy McDowell, who was the guest co-star, and a friend of Dean’s, but also the star of the series, Vic Morrow.  As a kid I idolized Morrow, and to this day, I do not even know why?  I was very much attracted to the clothing that he wore in the series, for instance I liked how he wore his helmet, which was always tilted up, and there was something very tragic about his stance, or the character he played.  Nothing bad happens to him as the main character, but his eyes were always sad, even if the scene called out for some sort of joy.   The juxtaposition of a happy ending in an episode, is always telling another story through his sorrowful expression.  

Meeting Morrow was brief, just a shake of the hand and that was it.  It was mentioned that he co-wrote a screenplay based on Jean Genet’s “Haute Surveillance” (“Deathwatch”) starring his friend at the time, Leonard Nimoy.  Morrow directed the film as well.  I remember him looking at me, and asking Dean and my dad, if I would be interested in appearing in his film.   There was a flashback scene where the main character (played by Nimoy) as a little boy running around stealing fruit from a stand, probably somewhere in Rue Montorgeuil, which is the oldest outdoors food market in Paris.   My dad looked at me, and asked if I wanted to do the part.  I looked up at Morrow’s sad eyes and nodded “no.” He laughed, and put his hand on my head and messed up my hair a bit. That previous Christmas, as a gift from my parents, I got a “Combat!” toy gift box, which consists of Dr. Saunders’ dog tags, as well as a toy machine gun, and a plastic canteen.   I wanted to tell Vic that fact, but I was too shy to bring it up with him.

As we walked around the MGM Culver City lot, we ran into the actor Edward Platt, who at that time was in “Get Smart.” It was weird meeting him, because in the show he plays Maxwell Smart’s boss, who was hysterical to me.  But meeting him I was shocked how serious he was, and he was perfectly polite, but the difference between who he plays on the TV screen and in real life was a huge leap from fantasy to reality.  Morrow on the other hand didn’t disappoint me, he was really Sgt. Saunders in “Combat!”