Tosh's Journal - September 1st (Izu Ōshima, Tokyo, Japan)

TOSH'S JOURNAL

September 1



Izu Ōshima, Tokyo, Japan



"If I live, I live, if I die, I'll die." There is very little here, except the ocean, which surrounds this island, and the mountains. All structures and shops are close to the water as if it has second thoughts being in the jungle-like the growth of nature. Once you're on the island, you are here forever. Even if you leave, the insect bites seem to stay with you for a long time. I have rashes on top of other rashes, and for sure, me being here, must have shortened my life by at least minutes if not longer. If I die on this island, I will haunt it forever. I don't believe death is the end, but a continuation of one's hell. Once you throw the dice against the wall and your numbers don't come up - you're fucked, and you're fucked for life.



I came to this island because I needed to test myself in the sense that I would choose life over death. To me, it is the same. The fact it is in the middle of summer, which means the weather is not only hot 24 hours a day, but also humid, where one's sweat seems to attract every insect in existence on this island. The most common insect I have here is an overlarge spider. When you walk down one of the paths or even the street that circles around the island, which is a two-lane road, one often walks into a giant spider web. If I take a ten-minute walk anywhere, I find my hair has cobwebs and an occasional living creature of some sort. The other animal I see here, and I see a lot of is cats. Most, if not all, are wild. They don't look approachable, but still, they are beautiful creatures. I wasn't sure if it was due to my exhaustion from the heat, but I could have sworn I saw a cat as big as a large dog. It was an orange kitty, and looked normal, except it was huge. I immediately walked the other direction, because for sure, I felt the animal would have approached and eaten me. I think it would go for the eyes first and then the hair of my body. I then imagined that the cat would drag me into the bushes and eat the rest of my body.



I did see an odd sight when walking down a dark road, there were two crows in the street, picking on something. As I slowly approached these flying rats, I can see they were eating a dead squirrel. Which amazingly enough, I never see these critters on trees or anywhere else. Only once, and this squirrel is quite dead, yet still, a meal for the birds. I even saw a deer with horns, but he or she pretended to hide from me in a bush. The deer never lost sight of me as I slowly walked down the street. As a human, I don't feel that I should be on this island whatsoever. It belongs to creatures and nature. I often felt this way when I walk around the dog park in Silver Lake. Humans take their dogs here, but it seems like a concentration camp to me. There used to be grass, but now it is nothing but dirt and dogshit. There is something depressing to me when I see humans playing with their pets - it reminds me of master and servant. One can't escape the horror of being human and being part of the social system where one looks for love wherever they can find it, even for a dog that is with you because one feeds it. The beast must conform to the human's point-of-view of what an animal is - in other words, their pet or animal must reflect the owner's ego. Here on the island, beasts (cats) run free and I find it beautiful because here they are - as they are meant to be — not a human's concept of a beast, but indeed a creature on their terms.



I spend my time writing, mostly at the abandoned elementary school. My wife and I set up a portable studio within the space, which is jammed full of images of students and teachers who are no longer working there, and more likely no longer alive. Even then, nature is taking over the room. Insects roam freely from one body to the next, and when I take my clothes off to take my daily cold shower, I look like a map, not made by human intelligence, but from an insects point-of-view. So if I do die here, I will become part of the natural world - food for the cats, crows, and a dessert for the insects. - Tosh Berman

May 17, 2019 (Tokyo)

Deeply jet-lagged, I walk the streets of Tokyo without knowing what direction or desire.  I feel like I have to move or I sleep or experience some version of death.  On the other hand, for the next four days, I'm alone, and therefore I can roam from morning to evening and back to morning again.  I ended up at a chain coffee shop in Shibuya a block away from Tower Records having a cold glass of their tap water and black coffee.  I usually sit by their indoor fountain, which generally I find it meditative.  Unfortunately, they had the water turned off, so the glass fountain, or is it plastic, had old water stains on it which reminded me of the retainer for my teeth.  It's tough to clean the fastener, and I find it disgusting.  Therefore I'm in a bad mood.

To escape my dark thoughts for the day, I went to RecoFan, which is about two blocks away from the coffee shop.   When I look for records, I usually don't have a thought in my head, which, of course, is total bliss. In that state, I found a copy of the Tornados' second album "Away From it All" produced by Joe Meek.   As one knows who reads my blog, I have a thing for Meek's production.  It's interesting to note that Meek arranged to have a photo of Heinz on the back cover of the album, announcing that he is now a solo artist, but did play bass on seven tracks on this album.  It took me about three hours to find this record.  A gentleman from Asia, who speaks perfect English, asked me for advice at the music store.  Both of us had the same problem.   If you buy 5 used albums or singles, you get ¥200  off each title.  He can only find three, and I was struggling with a choice of two and having a difficult time to find other records I wanted.  Which is basically a 'me' problem, because it is one of the great record stores in the world.  It's a smaller version of Amoeba feet wise, but jammed pack with vinyl, CD, and an impressive selection of used 45 rpm singles.  They also have an excellent selection of Japanese pop/rock as well.  I did find a Guernica album there, but I already have it.  Still, the Asian gentleman wanted to know if we could put our purchase together for the discount.  I declined because even though it made perfect sense, I just didn't want to be there for the discount.  As a buyer or collector, it's essential that I purchased records that I need, and not out of a 'deal.'  

Exhausted, I went to a local market near my home here in Meguro and found an overabundance of raw tuna.   I  had rice at home and decided to buy a package of tuna, and at home, I'll make sushi rice, which is a combination of white rice, vinegar, and sesame seeds.   I actually like the sushi rice better than the fish that is either mixed in or lays on top of the tuna.  If one gives me a bowl of rice, I would be happy and content. 

I feel my life must be a great disappointment to my readers and fans.   I made a note to myself to make my self more interesting.  Perhaps even to write more about food.  The truth is, I greatly admire meditating on all sort of things, and then writing about my feelings on that subject matter.  Of course, who cares about how I feel about things!  Still,  on the way home I did go to Tower Music to buy the music magazine "Record Collector," which is cheaper to purchase here than in Los Angeles.  It's essential that I have reading material on long plane flights.  Even although sometimes I just nod in front of the small video screen, I find reading material a safety net for any chances that boredom reveals itself to my world.   Tower Records is 6-floors of music.   Each floor is devoted to a specific region or type of music.  The last time I was here K-pop (Korean) shared space with J-Pop (Japanese), but alas, K-Pop has the whole floor to itself.   Of the boy-band world, it's interesting that Korean pop acts are making a presence in America at the moment. So, the fact that a whole floor is devoted to K-Pop music is an interesting change. Also on this floor were a significant number of young girls screaming because a band or boy band was doing a signing.  Classical music used to have the entire floor by itself but now shares its space with Jazz and World Music.