Tosh's Journal: August 15, 2023

 

Tosh's Journal: August 15, 2023

"Martini Teeth" by Tosh Berman

Due to my extensive dental surgery, I can only drink my dinners at this time.  My dentist suggested that since I'm already an alcoholic, I should just sip cocktails that have some food attached to it.  Which means, of course, the olive vodka martini, which is made correctly at TAIX Restaurant and bar in Echo Park.   Right between the drink and focusing on much as possible a book I brought with me to the bar, Andre Hodeir on Classical music after Debussy, it struck me how hard the bartender works, as well as the waitresses.   Personally, I have always been served well in this establishment.  I also ordered navy bean soup since it was a Thursday, and rightfully so, a Thursday which is Navy Bean Soup day.   I can never fully understand the connection between the Navy and bean soup, but I never question these things in front of a busy bartender.

I had a rough day.  I lost a temporary cap on my tooth, which makes it impossible for me to chew my food.  The thing has I had the perfect 'soft' burrito in front of me, and I felt a hard substance in my mouth, which was odd because I'm eating just a bean burrito.  I discovered it was my tooth cap, which carefully I didn't swallow, due that I put my fingers in my mouth among the bean material to remove the object.  It takes about 30 seconds to realize that something is drastically wrong, and then my temper came up.  I wanted to have a quick lunch before I shot my "Tosh Talks" episode on Jean-Luc Godard's film soundtrack music.  I was in such a state that Lun*na wanted to know if I want to postpone the filming.   I said go on.  Strange enough, I think this is the best "Tosh Talks" show ever.  Lun*na mentioned that my voice was loud and very clear.  I think all of this was due to my anger of losing the temporary cap.

After the show, I contacted my dentist who told me, even though she's on holiday, to come to her office at 5:30 this afternoon.   I did and met her at the parking lot because it seems the front door was shut due to construction work on the building.  I was a concern because when a car approached the parking lot, I didn't want to think whoever in that car thought I was a perv waiting in the darkness.   Luckily in the vehicle was my dentist and her almost adult daughter.  She took me through the back entrance which led to the employee's kitchen and sometimes storage room for outdated customers with their x-rays of teeth.   The whole dental office was under construction or remodel job of some sort, and therefore I didn't have to go to the dental chair, but the kitchen chair in the employee's room.

When I lost and obtained my temporary crown, I was immediately impressed with the horrible scent of my cap. It smelled like a dead rodent in my crown, but the fact is, my tooth, as busted as it was, felt like the dead animal lived there under a witness protection secrecy program from the Department of Justice.   Still, I was fascinated with the wretched scent of my cap, and wondered if perhaps all tooth caps smelled the same way?  

I sat down among the wires, plastic coverings, and industrial dust in their kitchen area.  Luckily I didn't feel any pain, but just awkwardness in chewing and my self-regard concerning my face.  I thought I had a vacancy between my mouth and everyone looking at me will be aware of my ugliness.   Ever since I was a young boy, I felt like an alien because other kids my age would comment on my oddly shaped teeth.  It wasn't until I reached into my 60s when I decided to get my teeth fixed. The irony is, I will probably be dead before the work is finished.   Still, a corpse with a good mouth is something people will remember me by. I'm just hoping that the casket will be open during the funeral procedure.

As I left the dentist office, I became more aware of how vulnerable I'm to other's opinions on my physical appearance. To dwell on the negativity is an endless amount of ocean of regret.  I choose to go into the darkness of the night and gently chew whatever is out there.

- Tosh Berman, Los Angeles, January 2, 2018

The Sunday Series: Sunday October 25, 2015

The Sunday Series:
Sunday October 25, 2015

The eyes show your soul and the mouth shows what you’re really are.   I have a mouth of broken teeth.  Some are from decay, mostly due to fighting.   I have a face that people want to punch.  It’s odd, because I’m by my nature a very quiet man.  I never want to cause trouble onto anyone, yet, people seem to have great pleasure in hitting me in the mouth.   After getting hit, I never feel the pain, just a numb sensation that something has changed within me.   The first awareness is having your tongue go over the wound and the jagged surface of once where a tooth was in place.

Losing a fight is not a problem with me, but the vanity aspect of having my appearance changed, and therefore exposing a side of me that I wish was hidden from the public - especially from the females.   The first thing one looks at is the mouth, and you can see people judge one by how that area of the face looks.   I do it all the time, especially with strangers.  If they have a strange set of teeth, I wonder why.  I then imagine them if they had proper choppers, instead of the mess that’s in their mouth.   So why would anyone think of me differently.  A scar sometimes shows character, but a broken tooth is just what it is - a sign of failure of some sort.

I have to imagine what it must be like for a woman to kiss me with her tongue.  I have a chipped tooth that is sharp as a blade.  I often cause my lip to bleed when I’m deep in thought while reading a book, and all of sudden a sharp pain comes up, and I can taste the blood from my lip.   I have a fear of causing a puncture of a woman’s lips because of the teeth.  In fact, there is usually not a moment when I’m not thinking of my teeth.

I have often had dreams of losing a tooth, and it’s odd to lose that specific tooth in real life.  Due to the nature of my mouth, if one tooth is gone, it changes the entire landscape that is in my mouth.   In my dreams, I have noticed that there is a tooth missing, but I’m with a beautiful woman, and I’m hoping that she won’t notice the missing tooth in my mouth.   Then there is a feeling that she is aware, but not saying anything.  In fact, she is making some sort of judgement against you, or wondering why you don’t get your teeth fixed.   I feel the anxiety of poor dental care, not due to pain, but what others think of me.

Since I can’t afford a dentist, and on top of that, all of them are suspicious to me.  They all resemble that doctor I have seen in countless noir films, where the criminal is on the run, and he gets wounded - and someone calls a doctor at 3 AM in the morning, and they show up in some abandoned warehouse.  Well, that is what a dentist looks like to me.  For some reason or another, they don’t seem to be the same as an official or licenced medical doctor.  I don’t fully understand why they are different, or one needs a separate insurance policy for dental services.

Nevertheless, I neither have dental insurance or the money to pay for such service.   Therefore I decided the best thing to do is actually painted my teeth black.  I’m fascinated with Japanese women who blacked out their teeth.  They call it “ohaguro.” In the Meji period, aristocrats would have blackened teeth.   It seems my major problem is not the teeth, but I was born in the wrong culture, class structure, and of course, time.   But here, in Los Angeles, and on a Sunday, it is a dental problem.

I have read that Japanese military commanders who were hit in the face or head, would wear women’s make-up to disguise the scarring of the face.  On top of that, they would dye their teeth black.   Since I now feel disfigured by the gap in my mouth, I decided to dye my teeth as well.  My visual representation was a picture of a Noh mask.   On top of that, I also shaved my eyebrows, due to the fact that they are bushy and grew like a wild weed above my eyes.   If I can’t get rid of the ugliness of my face, at least I can have some power over the results of the violence, I have encountered.  If choice of being disfigured by nature or human violence, I rather do the scarring by my own hand.

There is the feeling that one would want to do a little bit at a time, but the anxiety that is within me will always make it feel like that it’s the main entry-way to my personality and very being.  To do things extreme, will show a sense of character on my part.  To destroy such a beautiful face, will free me in the long time.

- Tosh Berman