January 29, 2021, by Tosh Berman

 

January 29, 2021

Usually, but frankly, not always, I hear a voice as I'm about to drift off into sleep. Mostly in the morning hours, as I struggle to get back to sleep, and I'm about to go under, I hear "Tosh!" In my memory, it's either my wife or mom calling out to me. When it is not a voice calling me, I hear a loud bang. Both times startles me back to the awakened world, and it takes me a few seconds to realize that the voice or the banging in my head is part of a dream. Although I recognize my wife's voice, it has an echo effect, doesn't sound l like real life. It's almost like it's coming from another world. The truth is, my wife has always been asleep by my side. 

French psychiatrist Jules-Gabriel-Francois Ballarger was the first to write about this condition in 1840. He studied the hypnagogic state, which is the stage between wakefulness and sleep. I have experienced sleep paralysis, which is when you are awakened but can't move or speak. My memory of that state is like going through levels of an awakened life, but not instantly. Sometimes I have a lucid dream, a dream where you realize you are aware of your dreams. As a teenager, I had the sensation of being dragged out of bed by some invisible force. I remember sleeping with my girlfriend at the time, and I would hold onto her so I won't be easily pulled away. Or I had a hallucination of a shadowy figure in the darkroom, and soon as I gather my senses, it will disappear. 

One thing consistent in my life is feeling like I lead two separate lives—one in the awakened world and the other in the world of sleep. My dreams are so intense and textural that I recall newspaper headlines, original melodies of songs, detail on clothing, as well as sharp observations of buildings and rooms. I often dream of traveling, and it is always the same cities. London, Tokyo, Paris, and Manhattan. I dream of the town I live in, Los Angeles, but it often turns into Tokyo. Also, I tend to be naked in a crowd of young people. Usually, I'm trying to sleep at a very active party or in bed with several people. It sounds sexual, but it is often me trying to sleep among the action. 

I'm often tired during the day, and I need to nap around 2 in the afternoon. When I sleep in the afternoon, it's good and deep sleep. Rarely do I dream, or I'm not aware of having dreams in the daylight. The night, of course, is a different matter. As I turn the lights off and try to fall asleep, I often see spots behind my closed eyes. It's like my eyelids are a movie screen, and they are showing some abstract films. The scientific term is phosphenes: sparkles, lines, or geometrical patterns that show up when you're awake but eyes closed. 

It's the auditory effects that I find most disturbing. Besides hearing my name being called out, I hear doorbells (my actual doorbell ring), the telephone ringing outside the bedroom, and so forth. I dream, therefore I exist.